by StarSong Bright
Owner - Velvet Thorn
In many standard dictionaries feminism is defined as the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. Personally, I feel that the definition should also include sexual equality. Femdom, particularly as it applies in Second Life, is a great equalizer. The virtual world, free of pregnancy, disease, and equalizer of physical strength, is the perfect place for women to begin to own their own sexuality and redefine themselves and their desires.
The best definition I found for Femdom comes from the urban dictionary:
A woman (or action in which a woman) dominates sexual interaction with her mate.
Femdom, female domination, is a very new feeling for many who first experience it in SL. The stereotypes of what it means to be a female dominant are poor role models, coming as they do from male driven porn for the most part. You know the one I mean, that cruel-eyed-black-latex-clad-tear-his-head-off-and-piss-down-his-neck looking woman with the whip.
That look and act may be good in a roleplay but it is NOT the normal state of being of most women. Trying to be that person 24/7 is unrealistic, and each of us must find her own way of being. There is no one way to be a Femdom. Each woman must consider for herself what her “sexual equality” means and how to apply that in an atmosphere where she is not only equal but where her partner has given over his power to her and allows her to take the superior/dominant role.
Society teaches girls from an early age to be pleasers, to do as they are told, and to conform to their given roles. Ladies new to Femdom are often still trying to please, and it is easy to fall into the trap of “wish fulfillment” and easy sex. By that I mean allowing the male driven stereotypes to dictate your sexuality through dress or actions. It is important to consider your own desires and what turns you on and allow your real sexual-self to shine through.
If scary black latex and six inch heels do it for you, then that is great and go for it! But if they don’t then keep looking for what does and skip them outside of the realm of role play. Realize that Femdom is about you as the female. Of course, your partner can have some influence that is natural, but for you to truly work from your own dominant center you need to find that place for yourself.
Dominant center, you might ask, Star WTH are you talking about? Everyone has many layers, many spheres who make up who they are. Even the most meek and mild and otherwise submissive seeming woman has a dominant core in her somewhere. That spot inside herself where she is fully “in charge” and isn’t afraid who knows it. Ever heard an otherwise meek woman bellow out all of her childrens three or more names? Bam, there it is.
How do you find it in relation to your sexuality? Afraid there are no easy answers there, the ways are as individual as you are. I would suggest that learning and employing the “art of the tease” is one way to get in touch with your sexual power and from there you can work your way to put your inner dominant together with your sexual power for that knock out combination that IS what makes you a Femdom.
What is this “art of the tease?” mentioned above? It is one of the MOST powerful tools of a Femdom in SL. It is turning the sub on and winding him up until he squeaks. It is teasing him until he putty in your hand (or his own LMAO). This can be a very potent thing for you, feeling the effect you can have on another individual. Stop there and savor that feeling. We ALL know what HE would have you do with him next, but don’t go there yet. Being the dominant in the situation means you decide, and not all teasing leads to sex, regardless of what he might have you believe!
Femdom and D/s (dominance/submission) is not just about the sex. In fact, for new dommes, I recommend avoiding the straight-up sex altogether until you are feeling in touch with your desires, your dominant center and what makes you feel sexually powerful.
Men a taught by society to be the hunter and seek conquest. Even in these days of modern man those primitive instincts are still in there at some level for most guys. Submission of the sexual kind in femdom often causes a direct conflict inside men between instincts and their thoughts. For many getting them into “sub space” where they are feeling truly submissive is achieved by keeping that internal struggle going. It can be achieved by holding them in a state where they are wanting to just rip your clothes off and drag you into the nearest cave by your hair and at the same time making sure that they know they will only get you if they keep that impulse at bay.
The art of the tease is learning to keep them always wanting more and willing to keep working for it. The way to achieve that varies and is something you learn though the tease and through trial and error. Sometimes it might resemble a trail of breadcrumbs, keeping them following along with small gratifying crumbs here and there, working their hunter instincts against them as you tease them.
So where is the feminism you might ask after all this time. The single biggest thing in feminism is being your own person and being equal. When applied to sexuality and femdom it can be as simple controlling the sex in the relationship right up to and including the far end of the spectrum of controlling your partner’s sexuality as well. You set the pace, the rewards and the sexual activity or lack thereof.
